And I set off. - Liberation! Liberation! - The only freedom we have left! - I have left no name and I don't know where I will spend the next night. Your warnings, fines, tax notices will not reach me. Keep your advice, I will not be able to follow it. And I am learning a new language. 

I must forget the lecterns and offices, and the smell of the pharmacies, the dust of museums, the healing air of sanatoriums. I must forget the shady avenues, the poplars of Napoleon, the well-kept paths of national parks, the paths of my childhood. And much more besides. How long has it taken me, how long did I stay on the hill of Rihanie, how long did I lie on the beach of Byblos? - Until the bells died away and the gently rising tide carried the sand to my feet.

The silence flowed into me, reached my empty heart, became heavy, sank, and filled it to the brim. Only then did I stand up and find my eyes and hearing changed: they were excessively sharpened. - This earth, this wonderful scene moved by a single, indivisible love: I recognized it again! - 

***

Oh, the passion of our first meeting! - I walked, I ran, staggered - you caught me up. I was helpless with tenderness, I trembled, I wanted to escape from your hands, but you held me tight and buried my head in your breast. 

When I rebelled against your unbearable caresses, you leaned towards me - "Be quiet! Be quiet, my pain -" - Ah, your voice, alone in the night! - My temples throbbing against the clasp of your fingertips, my face held in your hands, I was embraced by the abysmal sadness of your gaze, it was frozen, as if the sources of your tears had dried up forever - as if you only saw me, and then no longer me... Terrible innocence of love! - Fear constricts my throat. I want to scream: "You will never leave me!" But your lips shut me up. Appeasement, torment, incessant caresses - I will suffer terrible wounds, terrible pain is preparing itself. But defenseless, with dry lips, my eyes blind, I still fall into your lap, I still press my forehead into your hands. You hold the consolation, you alone open the wounds! - And at dawn I meet your gaze, which rests on me unchanged. Exhausted, silent, still in disbelief and astonished, I ask: “And you will release me from your hands? - You will determine the hour? - You will inflict the injuries onto me and hand me over to the waiting animals? You, my beloved - so it will be you?” - Instead of answering, you bow your head a little. 

Oh, passion! Innocence!

I was sober to the point of unconsciousness. I had no future. I could not even measure the length of a day and a night. I waited, waited... waited.

It is not patience that you have asked of me. I am burning in a cold fire. My impatience no longer works, it does not measure distances, does not calculate times, knows no course. And I am thirsty! I can’t stand it any longer, how long have I forgotten to drink, I am thirsty! In the darkness, blindly reaching for a cup and bringing it to my mouth! Calling! Calling your name! I am suffocating.

“Be quiet…” The gesture of your mercy makes me mute. Once again, until tomorrow - again and again. Then nothing will have changed, nothing awaits me there. I know that you will not teach me renunciation. I know the torments of impatience…

Your presence gathers up everything.

*****